Spaces

Every time she tries to flip pages of her book she cannot focus and she is reading "Atlas Shrugged" .Ayn Rand is one of her favorite writers and she just picked up a copy of the book. Usually she is so taken by a book - that she is so totally engrossed. But the past few days she has been on the same piece back and forth trying to concentrate on the characters, she just cannot. Her thoughts go farther than the realm of her imagination. It takes her to people and places known.Sometimes its unbelievable how she chanced out, others called it lucky - she called it Chance. She was like a free spirit breathing for once.

She looks of out of the window of the plane - all she can see is nothing but a black space with a red light blinking on the wing of the aircraft - She is far far away from her real world. This was her moment. The other moments were all the little and beautiful people she met along the way.

She...

The weather is beautiful but something is amiss. There is a cloud of emptiness and disappointment hovering around her. She wishes for better. She wants it back just like she lost. She walks in the rain - she is trying to feel the raindrops - she can't they are just so far away.... she realises she cant feel anymore. Something within her just disappeared like whoooosh! She tries to get herself back to life - but its not her zone anymore. What must she do then? She picks up a book - stares at it wants to read but the words refuse to make sense. There is a lot on her mind ... like what she doesn't know. She tries to put it behind but cant.. She is waiting for time. Time played around yet again and how many more time. She decides to take another walk this time to familiar places. She wears her favorite red tee , her denims hanging low. She realises something has changed about the way she looks . She stands in front of the mirror and looks at her face - she doesn't seem to recognize the person - her being. Did she just see a ghost? She rummages through her bag and pulls out her Kohl - darkens her eyes - Her eyes look beautiful again. Perfect she says! She steps out ..there are people all over... and she is lost in the crowd ... she sees faces. Faces - unfamiliar faces - they scare her...

She will return !

Back to school

Today was strange... i went to staples .. and its strange that we now have staples to go to .. and it is the back to school time. So you see these little kids with their mommies and daddies all over the place. I was staring at a lot of stationery at every shelf and look at the notebooks and pencils . We didn't have so many options when we were little sounds like ages ago. So I picked up a note book priced at INR 100.. :) it took me back to the time .. if you are from my home you would remember - Poonam Stores was the name of the little dingy store on the centre street of our little town. June would be back to school and never as late as August. Red and blue line books to start with your first alphabets - aimed at perfection. Single line for the other stuff and square line for math. Cost of the book if i remember correctly anywhere between 5 to 10 depending on the number of pages. Once you bought the books you had to cover them. That covering was an art perfected by parents or an elder sibling in one of the higher classes. So you first used newspaper if you couldn't afford the brown paper. It rained and it poured and the rain water would drip through your school bag if it wasn't waterproof. So you had to use a plastic bag to save your books and to save your grades. Then came the brown paper plastic coated covers - they were there to save you the embarrassment.Those little little things. Your stationery never went beyond a Camlin box with a geometry set. Natraj pencils and hero pens were the way to go!

I am glad I remember all of this!

Silence

Today there is so much of silence around. The quiet seems to disturb. There are not many occasions when I get this quiet. But for a change I am not happy about it. A blue day maybe. But to think and feel that life will have to go on like this for some time to come in this calm is something I do not want to think of. There is a fear within me and maybe when your face to face to with your fears come the silence. However it is serene. And in my mind I can hear my conscience saying this TOO SHALL PASS. I am not sure what it is that makes it this way. But these phases of silence maybe be necessary in the hullabaloo called LIFE. Its not about breaking free . Its not about getting yourself into the whirlpool every other time. Its about the moment and truly feeling it!

Some people can handle their loneliness while others cant. If were you to know me well you would think I can . But sadly i would like to admit that I cannot and my understanding is that no one can . You cannot fight your loneliness pretending you can handle it. You need that something to keep going. Maybe we are just so caught up with our pseudo identities that we fail to touch the inner self. The voice deep down inside. We fail to recognize and wrap ourselves in constant denial of a very known fact. It is normal to be feel lonely and feel the Silence.

A memorable FIFA 2010

Most of us have had late nites - thanks to the timezone ! Nevertheless every moment of the FIFA 2010 has been totally worth it and memorable . I am going to miss it so much. Having followed most of the matches with my limited knowledge of Fußball.
We had our fancy calenders for our match schedules...

We had upsets and more upsets.. France, Italy, Brazil, Argentina, Germany ,Ivory Coast ,Ghana and Portugal largely...... !!!

It brought together as people who wouldnt never normally connect, right from facebook to work.The vuvuzela - the jabulani...waka waka and the waving flag will stay on our minds for some time...

Then there was Paul...the oracle.. the psychic octopus.. who was right 7/7 dont know about 8/8.
There was also the Paraguan Lingerie Model.... covered on all channels, news papers - who vowed to uncover if her country won...
The day this show began, i remember everyone person I knew saying it was Argentina or Brazil were the takers.But they did flirt with defeat...and lost ...
Netherlands ?? Spain?? who would have thought! But they did it..for either of them first time world champions is phenomenal.
There was so much of emotion floating.. everywhere. Today its over.. and the next world cup who knows ... where we will be.. we will just have memories of watching beautiful play together over beers and binging on foooddd..will still have facebook/twitter for our status updates..
I will totally miss my German boys, Kaka, Villa, Drogba, Henry,Iniesta, Torres, Gyan,Sneijder ... may be not if I am going to follow the league matches!!!

45 mins to the end of this the memorable FIFA 2010...:(

moving on :)

Why is moving on such a difficult phase? Why do you have to move on?
Thats like a people word. Everyone loves to use it - especially when they mean well for you! But it is annoying...I mean again its not like you sleep over stuff and you can move on!
Moving on happens ...over time it does.. but the more you ask some one to move on the more pissing off it is! Time is a great healer and with time people do move on . Besides everyone person can figure out for themselves .

A lot of people need to revisit the situation, person before they final take one big steps. Many rather that they do the baby steps instead and eventually one day BOOM ! Reality check!

The more you think about it the worse it gets. Sometimes you just cant do it even when you know your answers.Constant denial!! We cannot embrace the situation and that makes it tougher. But everyone has this realization when its time to get over with whatever it is ! Some can faster than the others .

So relax and take a deep breath - the next time some one says move on! Smile and say you will.
Sooner than ever.

TC

Take care - TC is a very commonly used phrase in the English language. We generally use it as a closure to a conversation, informal meet, break up, never to meet again, will see you tomorrow or (i hate your face but - you need to take care ...lol.. anyway.. so we use this word again and again and so often. That TC has lots it meaning. Before hanging up on a call I said the magic words to a friend of mine!! and he bolted back saying - GIVE ME SOME CARE... if you cant give some why are you even asking me to Take CARE. I was taken aback , and i actually found it amusing. The friend though dear to me, I have never bothered checking on him ever , we speak once in 3 years so to say. Although I really meant it when I said it - he didn't take it at face value. How many times do we use words- sentences- phrases only because they have so become a part of our lingo / the jargon!!!

Another one is Sorry!!!
Oops, I am so sorry ! (what she/he is actually saying is "you (&)&%^& i cant mend it anymore" and im done with you ..next!!!).
You break someone's favorite vase and all you can is sorry - your not going to buy her a new one.
Someone lost a friend and you really want to sympathise - your going to say - probably google something appropriate - "Im so sorry about your loss" You mean it - but your not going to be around to "be there" sort of thing!!!!

I gotta sign off right - so sorry for not writing this through - i know someone is really going hate
Signing off
Take care people :P

Blue!

There are days when you really don want anything out of this crazy world!! You want peace.!!!
You want to shut the world up and sit in quite corner and no let anyone invade your space and your territory. You draw the line. You feel so shitty about drawing the line but you still draw it!!! Cos it your line and you don want anyone to cross it. You've had enough of it. ENOUGH.

Follow your dream

While you are sitting out there in front of television set watching America's got talent or some sitcom or who-know's - what.. Someone there is following a dream and getting there.

Your dream is as big as it seems. The power of imagination takes it places. But you still want to sit down easy and just go with the flow. You know that you dont fit in here. This is not your place. You still procrastinate. Its so normal to just let your dreams just be - like some figments of your imagination. Why do we let something else take over? Circumstances ? (Blame it on them) Situations?? as synonymous but there is thin line of difference !! I will not explain cos you already know or will atleast think through..........

I will write more when i can..

Not my type!!!

When we say your not my type we really really mean it.

We don't mean to be rude or anything, we just mean "Your not our type". It has nothing to do with your "Cool quotient", "6 pack""Intelligence" "Math""Looks" "you being chubby""sex appeal". We are not shallow. We just feel that its not we do not like you but we dont see us getting anywhere.

We really cannot explain ! You know! Its like when you talk about sport -man "U", chelsea etc. See we do understand all of that but it doesn't work for us sometimes.

We know you are a breed - but something is not right, and when something is not right - we use the phrase "Your just not my type". The fact is that we don't know what it is . It becomes really awkward for us to give you an explanation cause we cannot explain and detail. And if you are looking for logic ! Its not happening.

It may stem from the smallest thing - "You don't talk enough" You talk but then you don't say the things we want you talk about. Just like you don't like us talking about Ex'es we don't find many conversations interesting :) (more to come!!!)

What they would never understand ...but always wonder

• Why we want to change cities even when you've all your life there.
• Why you wanna go out for a drink when you have all the freedom in your house to drink as many beers you want!
• Why a pair of shoes should cost you 6k when you can get a decent pair for 100 bucks.
• Why you need so many shoes??????? when you have two pairs.
• Why you cannot leave your cellphone! and what is it with messaging.
• How you waste your time watching baseless movie like some stupid couch potato -when there is so much you can do like COOK!
• Why you never ever want to enter the kitchen !
• Why you would wanna spend 60 bucks on a coffee....
• What plastic straps are !!! and why you wanna spend 500 bucks on a bra sale!
• How does one manage to wear a thong :).... more to come!!!
  

We are straight!!!!! ...

To all those who have doubts....

Here's a run down of how you need to understand us.

The Superwoman: This is the girl that ends up being you confidante for life. You have had your squabbles and now it is passe. You love her and she loves you. You dont have to explain to her cos its written all over your face.She know what goes on in your head. She also knows your deepest darkest secrets. She doesn't care about who you are what you have been upto. She loves you for what you and accepts you at face value. You have cried together - and you have laughed together and it couldnt get better. She could lie for you ...and if i wanted to rhyme - she would die for you. You don't have too many things in common. She is the only one you can share your wardrobe with. You need to call her the moment something is HAPPENING. She doesn't start the conversation with "Hey" . She is always around and there is never an explanation that you need to give her. She UNDERSTANDS.

The Office Love : You met this one at you work place. Initially you didn't get along . But one drink did it all. You start off as colleagues then realized you had so much in common that you are almost a mirror image of each other. Your relationship is pretty clandestine in nature lest your She-woman gets to know. She is your Friday buddy - over a drink, over a coffee doesnt matter. You can chit chat for hours cos you have a host of characters to talk about. And mind you we don't gossip - we discuss. She and you both know that Fridays and weekends are dedicated to each other. You know her friends and she knows yours. Again , she knows about most of the events in your life as you know in hers. When you talk about work she just knows what your talking about .You talk about the same things over and over again. It is a whole different love story.

The Sistah: This woman is your very own sibling. You have grown up together and there was a time she never understood you. Your top secret would go to mum straight away. She would spy on you till a point she gave up. Her reason - I love you and I don't want anyone in the world to hurt you. The protection syndrome. She pinched you and did some real nasty things that you would never forgive but have forgotten.She helped you with your math and physics or history and all the subjects you so naturally sucked at !!! You wore her hand me downs and were happy with them cos you never had to really buy stuff.. her shoes would never fit you though. Now things are different she is probably married and all she has not forgotten but she really does not have the time to keep a track of your boyfriends, parties and habits. You are closer now times have changed. You kinda GEL in a lot of ways and it is much much easier....

The soul sister: She is someone you do not really need to keep in touch with on a daily basis. You have lots to talk about. She gives you a different kind of understanding and that swhy you need her. You can talk to her about anything under the sun and she will have giggle giggle giggle . You can chat with her for hours on the phone talking about completely baseless things and laugh your ass out. The only way to hang up on a call is the door bell ringing or if there is an important call waiting.She is the funny one! She also for some reason shares your sun-sign so its like a marriage made in heaven . You do not get a chance to meet her very often . You say your not in a mood and she will be like "OK" . Take some "ME time"darling. There is an unexplained connection .She is as intense as you are or as shallow as you are!! both ways !! You don do things like shopping , dinners... all you do is coffees. You know that she will be your maid of honor and she is already making plans. Your life is hers too.. She see's it like one interesting story. :)


Ms. Sunshine: She is the office crush. You got to know slowly and steadily.She's adorable and smiles all the time.BLUSH BLUSH. She is the friend , philosopher and guide to most people. Her presence makes the air lighter . She is always around to mother you if you are clumsy. She's off with you on your lunch breaks, sleepovers, movies, shopping.Her smile is infectious and to notice her does not take too much effort. When she steps up to dance - there is grace and perfection. She has it all. She can cook tooooooo. And she has a story to tell.

Barbie Doll - Broken !

When I picked up the paper two days and read the piece on 12 yr old rape victim - I was livid.I could not get my mind off the article. How unfair or unjust can life be to her. And how can life be so cruel. Two whole years of repetitive abuse. I'm sure her mind doesn't function anymore. I am sure she has transformed her self into a sex machine - a play thing. Just like one of her barbies - where uncles/neighbours/ people no one actually spared. What were they thinking? What is it with this animal instinct and men!!!!! What makes a man _ RAPE. Im pretty sure that we know of just one case because we happen to read. What about those
millions of little children girls and boys who are sexually and mentally abused every other minute while the world is progressing with technology,thoughts,processes and system. Trauma would be an understatement to describe the exact emotion or feeling that little 10 yr old,12 yr old or 3 yr old is going through.

How can anybody transform these sick minds of the doers? Will there every be a control mechanism. Rape doesnt come with a warning - its an instinct.And it is not limited to a class/age in society. It is completely universally - and any man who has the itch and does not have the conscience wants wants to do it!But why a child I say. Its not like you do not have options to vent out your sexual frustration!!!!What kind of sadistic pleasure does a man derive from such a beastly act!!

My temporary BUCKETLIST

There are definitely different shades to
1. Opening a shack on the beach - getting people drunk :)
2. Teaching a bunch of kids somewhere
3. I would be happy backpacking travelling meeting people - working for the lonely planet.
4. Would love to go the world over tasting alcohol and smelling perfumes - a job on travel and living
5. Learning Art in a university in France/ Prague - anywhere in Europe actually.

Purposeful living :P

A few months ago , I had a an email from a stranger asking me to write a page on purposeful living - my perspective. I did write something but didnt finish the page. Last evening when chatting with a friend I suddenly wanted to to back complete the write up. I decidced against it and wanted to write afresh. Obviosuly the person who asked me to write the article expected a lot more that a mere penning down of my thoughts on the subject. When I really think about it and introspect on the question which stems out of the subject. What exactly is MY purpose in life!! And am I living my life to its true purpose. ?

I dont exactly know whether we were born for a purpose. Like " Save Humanity" or the likes. Purposeful living for me is simple! Bringing a smile to some face - my shopman, the watchman, the helper,my bus friends, the security guard who checks my pass ;P , every person who probably exchanges a smile along the way. It just a pretty nice feeling.

Yes yes, we do live by the paycheck - we do live by bills !! But that can be parked for moments. When i sit back and rewind my day for a bit and think about little things that made me happy are these little exchanges. ..(more to come)

The Hurt Locker

The Hurt Locker , when I heard it was nominated for the Oscars - and I was asked to get the movie so that we could watch it. I would hardly read reviews before I watched a movie cause reviews are spoilers and they tend to distort your perception and then you begin seeing things that you would probably never want to see.

So getting back to the movie directed by Ms.Bigelow. This movie has essentially bagged the award for best direct and she happens to be the first woman to win it.- the forerunners being Avatar etc. I haven't watched the later though. For a woman direct a war movie must be something. Im sure there are other women who've tried and tested bu making it to the oscars - really the first eh!

My first thought on the movie _ great watch. I totally liked it - even it meant just watch men defuse bombs. A brush with reality - epicentre - Painfully yes Baghdad.The trauma of war and terrorism in the face. People who live with it and handle it. Im thinking to myself - The soldier that bomb is so prepared to see death in the face. He cannot at any point in time step back and say he doesn't feel like it. He does not have a choice. He cannot bunk work or call in sick. Would he do it if he had a choice .My guess is no! That how he walks life.

I was also pretty taken by Beckham - the boy selling the DVD's . Pure innocence. He too falls prey to the disgusting routine of a suicide bomber. Such is life. When you are whining your petty miseries - there are loads of people who have horrible stories to tell.

Maybe there is more hurt than can be locked!!

Mondays and other days!

I am not sure how many of you like Mondays and it is general phobia that we all have and we loathe them. What i have realized that there is no escape to a Monday morning and you just gotta live with it. So wat does one do.. I just get through the day by cribbing about it every single day. Wish life was this one big holiday and you did get to do what you always wanted to .And what did you always want to do . The answer is I dunno! I have always been a confused person . TO the extent of being called a person with MPD. So I never know what i wanna do!
I envy people who have it all set and clear. People who do not get bothered, flustered by anything. People who are calm, composed! I want to be all of those. But how much I try, how much so ever I journal I do not get there. I have tried everything from meditation to morning jogs to make me feel better. But Mondays and all other days scare me!

The Prodigal

This is not a biblical representation of the prodigal son.. no its definitely not!

When I look back and wonder how much my country has changed in so many it makes me think if this change is for the better or for the worse. Of course its a two sided affair - that of pros' and cons . After a days work - now its easy to guess what i do - the first guess for most people who live in this city would be IT. And then since I don't want to explain too much and since I have very much succumbed to the rat race, I nod. The Indian Nod. Like most ordinary people I spend 12hrs at work including my travel time. So I speak for those thousands who are at this point in time on the greasy track running the race. The race means something to everybody. There is someone looking for a living and there another looking for life. So yes, we follow this rut everyday. We have lost our melancholy. At some point we have lost contact with ourselves. That's how shallow we are .Will we get farther or this is. Such is this polluted/defecated society full of lust/greed/lies and vitamin M. Now none of these are good or bad.
Spiders in our webs, we know not where our homes are. The eggs have hatched and the birds are out of their nests. Nest are empty and home coming is awaited. When all is lost the prodigal will return!!!

The green green grass....

I was on the morning shuttle and I saw this Old man wearing a Tee which read - God made grass - man made booze - whom do we trust :). Welcome to the stone age . An era which is not as historic as Bob Marley's but people are still tripping. The common man is ! The world of Lust - dust and drugs.So why.. no one knows. the thrill, the hallucination, the butterfly effect, the flight, the other world. The once tabooed herbal essence - grass - is today is the most commonly available upper. I personally do not feel you can get addicted to anything - it all depends on the feasibility/availability of the stuff. Most people I know , know where to get - illegal as it may be. Most people I know have atleast tried it once. These are smart,intelligent,creative people.

Now everybody has a first time and there is a general tendency to remember most of your firsts. - First girl/boy, date/ first love and blah. Very often once you take that plunge the first one that is - its the beginning of your story . From then on the story is yours.You make your story and every person you meet along the way has a story to tell. Sometimes your storty could be someone else's story. Similar stories - thats how you probably connect! In god we trust :)